The Confessions of a Murderer

It is high time I admit that I am a vicious and brutal person. I still vividly remember the first time I ever did it. My bloody hands were shaking out of sheer guilt but my lips were in a soft smile of accomplishment. Until I did it the first time, I was unaware of the abysmal things I could do. But once I did, there was no going back.  However, the heavy breath, the quivering legs – all of it stopped as soon as I hid it in a discreet corner. I am certain that no one, not even the best of brains could ever find it.

The Death of Marat, Jacques-Louis David

By this time you have probably figured out that I am not a murderer of humankind as I have not yet mentioned a body. I am neither a compunctious butcher. You see, I am different and yet similar to you. Who says a murderer cannot be humane? Our category of people are often painted as heartless, compassionless creatures. But no one ever bothers to even wonder why we are who we are or what lies beneath our rosy exterior. After all, we are one of you.

It is because of people in general. It is because of their curtly judgements, their snide remarks and their carping looks that I kill. I recklessly murder my own thoughts or opinions and hide them up in a dark corner of my soul, only because I fear them. They have turned me into a vile creature and I am not ashamed of blaming the cause of my nature on them (only partly). I eat my words up, push my thoughts and views away because they scare me. 

But who exactly might ‘They’ be? Well it depends. ‘They’ may be you when I hear you make degrading remarks about others, or when you just do not stop criticising my perspective. ‘They’ may be me, when I inflict upon myself scenarios where I might be subjected to condemnation, but ones which have not taken place yet. ‘They’ may be my elders who sometimes, unknowingly, think of my stance on issues as inferior to theirs. ‘They’ can be anyone under the sun, who is capable of broadsiding not just me, but anyone of their acquaintance. Naturally, ‘They’ is everyone.

Now, I cannot possibly stop everyone I know from having an opinion about me or my views. I realised that I have to stop killing. If not now, it will turn into a habit. To be confident enough to speak as I will, express what I feel and well, censor some of it at the same time is pretty hard. Why do I need to censor? Well I told you, people like me are not as cruel as we seem. I am barbaric to my own thoughts, not your feelings.

After hours of introspection, I realised that what I do is unfair. Not just to me, but to everyone around me as well.  To assume that one may not want to listen to what I say, or might arraign me with their opinions is unjust. Maybe not all, but at least some of you might agree with what I have to say. Some of you may even feel better about the fact that there is someone else like you. And that is mainly why I created this blog. To put what I think, out there in the world. Though it seems like a rather selfish reason, I know what it feels like to even know someone, even if it’s virtually, who might be a little bit like you.

So now that I have finally put it out there, I hope some of you feel better about yourselves because I have finally got the guts to forget about what people say. Well, not completely, but I am getting there. I hope to write a little for myself and a little for you all. And my write ups will be straight from my head onto paper, nothing in between to pollute my thoughts. I will present to you, my Pristine Ponderings.

Picture credits: Daily Art Magazine